You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
