Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
