I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
