lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
