haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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