not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
