he puts the penis in happiness.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
