i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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