My sheets look like a crime scene.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Randomize
