I am puke
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
