but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
