you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
