Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
