bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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