the day after is always just damage control
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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