He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
