I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
