Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
