I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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