I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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