Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
