never play flip cup with pint glasses
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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