I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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