can u get pink eye on your cock?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
