I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
