I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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