i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
