Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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