I haven't been this sober since birth.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
