Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
