Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
