so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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