My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
