Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
