It's Friday. Sex?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
