he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
