: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
