I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
