I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
