is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
