just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
