From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
