the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
