I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
