i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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