So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
