So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
