I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
