I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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