Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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