Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
